2 Summers Ago

Two summers ago, I’d reached the end of my capability to deal with much more. To avoid going into details, I will just say that my ex was the total nightmare he’d always been with everything financial and psychologically, and though any divorced person may say their ex was a nightmare, they would have to come up with a pretty elaborate story to match mine. 

I was near having or AT having a break-down.  I was seeing my doctor just about every week or two with something else going wrong physically.  I thought i had a heart problem, that turned out to be GERD, and then tinnitus.  These things normally don’t go away.   On top of everything else, hearing I had chronic health problems was more than I could handle.    Things could have been worse, and I was sure they would be.

My doctor recommended a therapy clinic.  I ended up with a cognitive therapist. It turned out to be a sort of therapy that would get me through my issues.   I was diagnosed with situational anxiety.  I thought, “Really?  With everything going in, I thought I’d seriously lost it.”

Part of my therapy involved  reading a book about anxiety.    http://www.barnesandnoble.com/ean/978157224499.   I had all the symptoms of GAD.   I had to force myself to go out in public, to parent-teacher conferences or band concerts. I was afraid people would look ate and know that something was wrong. I didn’t want anyone to ask me how I was.

I spent my evenings doing assignments given by my therapist: drawing, reading, doing exercise, writing a list of 50 things good in my life.   I was afraid to even exercise because I was still worried about my heart, regardless of what the doctors said, but I did it anyway.  And I didn’t die.

I found a new doctor. She took me off the Prozac that had me feeling very weird and put me on Paxil.  It immediately came back to near normal.  I didn’t feel like flying of the balcony anymore (thank God).  She took me off some of the horrible GERD medications, allowing me more flexibility with pill-taking and eating.

Therapy went on and I finally got to the end of my goals. I could go places without problems. I could grocery shop without freaking out if Ian wandered off.   I was able to enjoy band concerts and watching movies and even handling small bits of the news and Gray’s Anatomy.  I couldn’t watch them for awhile because they only made me more anxious.

So, life goes on, and I have a lot to feel happy about.  A new home, my daughter and husband, my very awesome dogs, and my friends and family.

Strength is something you find when you feel like you just can’t do it anymore.

Life gets better.