I guess

sometimes you don’t realize what really grounds you until you don’t feel grounded anymore, and you’re treading water to figure out what is suddenly missing. 2012 was a disturbing year for me, not because of my immediate family, but because some things I didn’t imagine would go the way they did… did. People I thought I could at least expect some sort of consideration from… failed.   Miserably.

And even though I have so many people in my life who are a blessing and supportive, I was treading water, suddenly “not myself” and trying to figure out how to get back to me.

My health took a downward spiral. My body started doing unexpected things. Heart beating fast. Gastic reflux. Stomach pain. And then the ears started ringing.

My medication had to go on a schedule. I became a pro at figuring out when I was able to eat so that I could take meds on an empty stomach, and not eat afterward for another hour. It was miserable. I hated my doctors for not fixing my problems. I hated myself for whatever role stress was playing in my health issues. I hated the people who caused the stress. I hated that God could let people get away with being so horrible and thoughtless. To me. What did I do to deserve all of this?

I was lost.

So I decided to go to talk it out with a random party with credentials to help sort things out. Her name is Julie. We talked about miserable things that happened and what I thought I could do about them. We talked about not exposing my mind to hateful things in the world, like “the news” and movies that were troubling. We talked about “not talking” about health problems all the time. We talked about paths to take to be healthier… get a new doctor, exercise, etc.   We talked about how I didn’t understand God anymore.

I learned that being anxious about unexpected life circumstances is normal.

One day, I found a new doctor that I don’t hate. She reduced and changed my meds, and although I still have gastric issues, they are not as bad as they were. I can eat whenever I want. I’ve started to try food with gluten, and I have not been harmed, although I do prefer some gluten-free things now (like Chebe bread and pizza mixes). I am starting to include more fruit and veg for fiber and health. I’m learning to deal with the ear ringing.

I started reading a book called, “One Thousand Gifts“, by Ann Voskamp. I decided that God was probably not trying to kill me. God loves me, and I have things to learn about life, like how to survive and be happy in an environment that is not always perfect, although it is perfect in a majority of moments. I’ll deal with the rest only when I need to. 🙂

Once these two areas of my life became more manageable, I felt empowered. I decided I probably had some sort of say in my life again.

It was all I really needed. I may not be 100% yet, but I’m about 90%. 🙂

Thank you to my wonderful family who is always supportive and helpful, even when I must really push them to the limit.    I love them.