Book Report: Still a Family: A Guide to Good Parenting Through Divorce

I’ve read a book recently called “Still a Family“. It was a guide for divorced parents with a goal toward helping children get through divorce and survive to as normal a degree as possible afterward.

This is what I took away.

Spend time with the child, and put them first, even ahead of your own feelings; not last. This can be accomplished by:

1. establishing a dependable parenting schedule and trying not to cancel or be late picking up or dropping off. It causes stress to the parent who is waiting and causes stress to the child not knowing what is going on.
2. being prepared for “adjustment time” between households, and don’t take things so personally. Kids may seem withdrawn when first arriving to or from visitation with the other parent. This is normal. It’s taking things in and assimilating to a different environment.
3. listening to the child’s needs.

I don’t always know the perfect thing to do or say, but some of the important things come instinctively. A kid is not a mini-adult. They are just a kid with childlike understanding of the workings of the world and life. Normally, the are not attempting to hurt anyone’s feelings (unless you have just taken away their TV or texting venue… or grounded them).

Also, many arguments regarding parenting time come from parents planning activities (and expecting the child to float along) during someone else’s parenting time. Hope for flexibility, but don’t expect the other parent to give up plans to suit your plans. Be considerate of the other parent’s time by being on time where possible.

Delays which cannot be helped are best addressed through thoughtful, immediate communication. The underlying concept is “consideration” for other people and trying to make things easier on everyone.

“To make parenting time easier for each other, you and your former spouse need to respect each other’s time. This means, for example, not trying to switch times or cancel taking the kids at the last minute without a good reason. When doing this, a parent sends the message that the other parent’s time and plans are unimportant.”

Stressful.   And here’s this:

“Cutting off entirely from a child can have disastrous consequences. The feeling of abandonment that may result can remain with a child for his or her entire life.”

What parents do really does give their children a model to work from. I would rather have my child learn to be prompt, considerate, courteous and dependable, than the opposite.

I’m not perfect by any means. I just do what I can, with whatever wits I have available at the time to work with. I honestly thank my husband for his undying support always, even when I’m stressed out or ranting and keep asking for support with the same issues. He’s a lifesaver and my strength when I don’t have any left. And thanks to others, including my family, who get to listen to me, as well, and offer insight and help when I need it.

P.S. If you’d like to borrow this book, just let me know. Barnes and Noble allows 14-day electronic lending, in a legal sort of way (of course).