I spent a couple of hours with my daughter at the fitness center… swimming.     It was fun, but something about swimming makes me very tired.

I came home and listened to something that someone very wonderful gifted me with earlier this week.. a hypnosis audio that has proven to be quite helpful.

Despite my day, I’m feeling a little sorry for myself.    My mind keeps wandering off to that happy place (you know, the one where we are sitting at the beach, pushing our toes into the warm, wet sand on a sunny day)  the hypnotist has me pick out….    I yearn for the happy place, but in odd moments it seems as though it should be unattainable.    A good part of me does not believe it is unattainable.   (This is what we call a double negative, yes?   A good part of me believes it is attainable.   There.)    Did I distract you enough?

Then I play, “Feeling Good“, play the hypnotist audio, and everything seems reasonably right with the world.    (Note to self:   Don’t forget the happy place exists.)

Used to be that I would count on Ambien at times like this, but the last couple of times I took Ambien, it was not very effective. Where I used to be completely knocked out within 15 minutes, for example, not working.

Used to be that I could just get up, browse around on the Internet for awhile, then go back to bed. Not working.

Used to be that I could get up, start watching TV, and feel tired again. Sleep a few more hours later in the morning. No luck.

The need to sleep sometimes hits me at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, which is quite inconvenient, considering I am usually either working or doing something otherwise meaningful at that time of the day.

Advice?

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Recently, I went to a birthday party for a friend of mine who turned 50, whom I used to work with at “that place” we won’t name. I thought it would be ok, but I felt like the black sheep. The couple of people I talked to asked me how I’d been and what I’d been doing since… They were nice enough, but I felt darn squirmy. We only stayed for 1/2 hour before I crawled out my skin and squeezed out the door.

It was just one of the odd points in my life lately.

The other day, a woman in my office asked me if the picture hanging on the wall of my daughter was my granddaughter.

I am still trying to figure that one out. I know there are a lot of grandparents at 43, but I am not one of them.

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This morning, I started to make a list of things that I am glad I have not done.

• I have not done any illicit drugs
• I have not sold drugs to anyone
• I have not slaughtered a cow. Really. That’s gross.
• I have not stolen money
• I haven’t gotten hot-headed and walked out on a job
• I haven’t purposely driven my car into anything (well, except that yard when I was 15. But that wasn’t really my fault…lol)
• I haven’t eaten worms or bugs
• I haven’t launched off any nuclear weapons
• I haven’t told any of my friends they are evil bastards, even though I sometimes want to.
• I haven’t lied to anyone.. Wait. That’s not true. Liar!
• I have not woken up in the morning and required alcohol to start my day

Things I try to do well…

• Be a good daughter, wife, sister and mother, although some days I don’t think I’m succeeding enough
• Be gainfully employed on a regular basis
• Keep my house clean. (Nice try, eh?)
• Not take any crap from anyone
• Pay the bills on time
• Not be careless with my resources… money, gas, food, stuff we need to live
• Attempt to make up for those times whenI wasn’t quite up-to-par with other people.
• Keep learning, in some way
• Be a responsible pet owner
• Be creative
• Be sympathetic and caring to people and animals
• Learn from my mistakes

Did this help me? I don’t know. Someday, someone will find a cure for early morning anxiety. Maybe I should have a beer when I wake up.

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Still, it was a big bird, and seeing it from a motorcycle was probably to everyone’s benefit, really. Someone driving car might not have seen it in time. With a motorcycle, your field of vision is larger due to no metal surrounding you.

While riding, I was thinking about why motorcycle riding is a good thing for me to do. When you’re riding a motorcycle, your wits have to be about you, so to speak. You’re living in the “here and now”, which removes focus from any anxiety a person might be feeling. When you’re focused on “right this minute”, it’s difficult to obsess about the future.

A trick I learned from “The Power of Now” that was especially useful, mid-anxiety, was to ask the question, “What is lacking from this moment?” The answer, devoid of any immediate danger to one’s life, is usually “nothing”.

I tried this today, while I was wondering how much of the $4,000 I was billed for my MRI that the insurance company would pay (holy crap). “What is lacking from this moment” forced me to look around at my environment, hear the water splashing, the kids laughing, the birds chirping, and think, “nothing”.

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In an effort to shake some morning panic episodes, I picked up my copy of, “The Purpose Driven Life” today. The chapter I read had to do with life being a test. “God tests you,” it says (paraphrasing, now), “but doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He gives you what you need to persevere.”

I know this to be true.

But what I’m wondering is, what if what you deal with seems aweful, even though others tell you it isn’t, but you can’t seem to shake the feeling. I guess I don’t see the goal of the test when, every day, I wake up to worrying about the same thing. Or maybe I do.

Maybe the message is to stop focusing on the bad things that can happen (losing a job, becoming terminally ill (God forbid), being homeless or financially distitute..anything bad, really) and realize that each day is a gift.

In the end, I have to ask myself, “What can I do to make this better” or “How can I do things differently”. In the end, I am just ticked off that too many worriful days have gone by; days I could have spent enjoying life and haven’t.

Maybe this is just my way of beating myself up.

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1. My family is happy and healthy right now.
2. I have a job that is becoming more comfortable to go to (don’t indulge in the “but’s”)
3. Halloween is coming, and all that goes with that.
4. I have all of next week off… what will we do with our time? I’m thinking of things, like visiting an orchard, going to see some horses, going roller skating, etc.

It sounds odd, but once you’ve been traumatised by something unexpected, you can wake up afraid of your day. I hate that. It’s beyond hating actually.. it needs to be disposed of. So today I’m thinking about walking in the water at the beach in Freeport, a place I was at 5 years ago. The water was clear and a light aqua color. The day was warm and exciting, due to being.. you know… out of the country and some place tropical. Shops were all around, and the inviting smell of exotic food filled the air.

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Audio books are handy things to have when you’re on the road. I’m only driving for about 20 minutes each way, but I can also listen over lunch, which is an hour.

I wondered, when I opened the audio CD case, what about worry could possibly fill 7 CD’s. The book does go through several different methods of dealing with stress, including finding something to take your mind off of it (like working or performing some hobby), writing down what you’re worrying about, what is the worst that could happen, and what you’re going to do about it (and when).

There are stories throughout, telling how people have eliminated worry from their lives, and how eliminating worry has helped them to live longer, happier, more successful lives.

If you’re a constant worrier like I am, pick it up at your local library. You won’t be sorry.

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