Once upon a time, I memorized a little poem that I can say when I miss someone who’s gone.  It’s this:

Turn Again to Life
Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,

be not like others sore undone,

who keep long vigil by the silent dust and weep.

For my sake turn again to life and smile,

nerving thy heart and trembling hand

to do something to comfort other hearts than thine.

Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine

and I perchance may therein comfort you.

It’s about the words, but it’s also about the repetition.  It’s almost like a prayer, only not.

Then there is this advice I gave to Britty when she was upset about life and couldn’t stop crying (somewhat like me, I think):

Breathe in the roses

Blow out the bubbles

Instead, I just have a parrot staring at me. 

sometimes you don’t realize what really grounds you until you don’t feel grounded anymore, and you’re treading water to figure out what is suddenly missing. 2012 was a disturbing year for me, not because of my immediate family, but because some things I didn’t imagine would go the way they did… did. People I thought I could at least expect some sort of consideration from… failed.   Miserably.

And even though I have so many people in my life who are a blessing and supportive, I was treading water, suddenly “not myself” and trying to figure out how to get back to me.

My health took a downward spiral. My body started doing unexpected things. Heart beating fast. Gastic reflux. Stomach pain. And then the ears started ringing.

My medication had to go on a schedule. I became a pro at figuring out when I was able to eat so that I could take meds on an empty stomach, and not eat afterward for another hour. It was miserable. I hated my doctors for not fixing my problems. I hated myself for whatever role stress was playing in my health issues. I hated the people who caused the stress. I hated that God could let people get away with being so horrible and thoughtless. To me. What did I do to deserve all of this?

I was lost.

So I decided to go to talk it out with a random party with credentials to help sort things out. Her name is Julie. We talked about miserable things that happened and what I thought I could do about them. We talked about not exposing my mind to hateful things in the world, like “the news” and movies that were troubling. We talked about “not talking” about health problems all the time. We talked about paths to take to be healthier… get a new doctor, exercise, etc.   We talked about how I didn’t understand God anymore.

I learned that being anxious about unexpected life circumstances is normal.

One day, I found a new doctor that I don’t hate. She reduced and changed my meds, and although I still have gastric issues, they are not as bad as they were. I can eat whenever I want. I’ve started to try food with gluten, and I have not been harmed, although I do prefer some gluten-free things now (like Chebe bread and pizza mixes). I am starting to include more fruit and veg for fiber and health. I’m learning to deal with the ear ringing.

I started reading a book called, “One Thousand Gifts“, by Ann Voskamp. I decided that God was probably not trying to kill me. God loves me, and I have things to learn about life, like how to survive and be happy in an environment that is not always perfect, although it is perfect in a majority of moments. I’ll deal with the rest only when I need to.

Once these two areas of my life became more manageable, I felt empowered. I decided I probably had some sort of say in my life again.

It was all I really needed. I may not be 100% yet, but I’m about 90%.

Thank you to my wonderful family who is always supportive and helpful, even when I must really push them to the limit.    I love them.

Yesterday, I approached a pharmacist at work about the liquid stomach coating stuff I’ve had to drink (the expensive stuff, by the way).  I wanted to make sure I understood when to take it.    She is probably the 4th or 5th person so suggest I get screened for an H Pylori infection.

So, I phoned my doctor’s nurse and said, “This may sound like a weird request, but since people keep suggesting it, can you test me for it”?

Consideration is underway, but I think they’ll see it my way in the end.

Hoping (and even praying) for some relief at this point, although I am a bit better than I was a few weeks ago.    You learn to cope with what you have to cope with, I guess.

Thank God for my super supportive husband and daughter.   They’re doing such a loving job of encouraging me, as always.

The receptionist said, “So you survived!” and he said, “Yes.” I had to laugh because I was next and I was just wondering how a stress test goes, but naturally didn’t ask. The test itself was not bad. I always feel a bit stressed out seeing a doctor, so my heart rate was up to 122. I only had to get up to 148 or something, based on my age, but managed to get up to the 170′s.

After they stopped the test, they had me lay down to do an ultrasound and then to cool down and let my blood pressure and heart rate return to normal. My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest, but it calmed down within a few minutes.

My doctor’s office called to say everything was normal. I’m glad for that. I think I need to find a better way to manage stress, really.

In Nebraska, when we go to the grocer, we have a selection of fish. Catfish. Swai. Some sort of icky whitefish. Nothing worth eating. The salmon is likely good, but if you really want good, good fish, you have to make a special trip to the fish monger.

We watched a movie on Amazon (can’t remember what) and then we watched part of the festivities in New York City. I began wondering… why is the calendar changing to the New Year party-worthy? I don’t mean to be depressing at all. It’s just that every new year is full of its own challenges. I’ve had some pretty major challenges in the last year; some of them pretty amazing, some of them incomprehensible.

So if every year continues to have its own challenges, I suppose that it’s realizing that you’ve made it through the old year’s challenges or enjoyed the gifts of the previous year, and you’re moving into the unknown, where it can be good or bad; happy or heartbreaking, but hopefully mostly joyful.

Maybe it’s the feeling of comfort of the moment; being in a happy place, with a roof over our heads, access to all of the requirements to live on… plus something more.  And if we’ve started the New Year off in a horrid place, there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Maybe that is the point.

And getting to see LMFAO performing in Times Square.

I am waving “so-long” to the challenges of 2011 and saying, “Bring on more great things” to 2012.

Happy New Year!

We had a doctor’s appointment set for 15 minutes from where we were, which was awesome, since we were in the same neighborhood.

The doctor examined her arm, did a few physical tests, then sent us for x-rays to see if there was a break or fracture somewhere, but luckily, there wasn’t.

We came away with an excuse for gym class for no upper body physical activity and instructions to give her 600 mg of ibuprofen and ice to her elbow for 7 – 14 days.

Crazy day, but it turned out alright.

It’s funny to watch them.   At one point, one walked near the water, started honking loudly and jumped into the water, still honking. Once it swam around for a bit, it quieted down.   I’m not sure what it’s concern was, if it had one.  Maybe it just felt like honking.

Sunday, there was shopping (something I’m not entirely fond of for long periods of time) and the World Cup finals, which was really exciting.   No, I didn’t cry for Spain.  Do you believe me?     I felt bad for Netherland, and although there is always “next time”, some of those people won’t be playing soccer next time.      They all played their best, it seemed, and were well-matched in the end.

Ian seems to have recovered from a severe bout of sinus issues.     Nothing tea, marmite toast and lots of meds couldn’t resolve, thankfully.   And TLK has lost another tooth, which is good, because her teeth were beginning to get a bit crowded.  She’s always a year or two ahead of where she should be with teeth.

She was a little miffed when she thought the tooth fairy only left her a quarter.. but actually, it was $3.25 (still not the $20 she was hoping for).  I mean, I know about inflation, but one tooth?  $20?  lol

I think that’s about it.   Is it Monday already?

A NURSE’S HEART ATTACK EXPERIENCE:

I am an ER nurse and this is the best description of this event that I have ever heard. Please read, pay attention, and send it on!

FEMALE HEART ATTACKS

I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I’ve ever read.

Women and heart attacks (Myocardial infarction). Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack?

You know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest and dropping to the floor that we see in the movies?

Here is the story of one woman’s experience with a heart attack.

“I had a heart attack at about 10:30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might have brought it on. I was sitting all snugly and warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, ‘A-A-h, this is the life’, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.

A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you’ve been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you’ve swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn’t have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation—the only trouble was that I hadn’t taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 PM.

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasms), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR)…

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening — we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven’t we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, ‘Dear God, I think I’m having a heart attack’!

I lowered the foot rest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn’t be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else … But, on the other hand, if I don’t, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in a moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics …. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn’t feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to un-bolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.

I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don’t remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the radiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like ‘Have you taken any medications?’) but I couldn’t make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and his partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed two side by side stints to hold open my right coronary artery.

I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was all ready to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stints.

1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men’s symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act).. It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn’t know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Mallox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they’ll feel better in the morning when they wake up … which doesn’t happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you’ve not felt before. It is better to have a ‘false alarm’ visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2. Note that I said ‘Call the Paramedics.’ And if you can take an aspirin. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER – you are a hazard to others on the road. Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what’s happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor — he doesn’t know where you live and if it’s at night you won’t reach him anyway, and if it’s daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn’t carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3. Don’t assume it couldn’t be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it’s unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let’s be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive.

I’m so glad my day is over.

Believe it or not, the worst part of my day involved photocopying paperwork.   Important paperwork.   Paperwork that I didn’t want (but now IS) out of order.

Also, I did not want the photo machine to keep jamming, but it did.

THEN, it would get part way through printing off a job and say, “Oh, wait a minute.  I have freaked out and now you are going to have to start from page 54.  Too bad you have not numbered your pages, eh?”

Several words crossed my mind.

Ian said, “Back away from the machine, take a deep breath..” and several other things to retaliate against the machine.

Photocopying machines typically are the bane of my existence, now that I think about it.   If they’re not jamming, they are beeping.

So much for the government being “paperless”.

Wine and chinese food.    Life is ok again.